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The Other Side of Fear
October 27, 2015 at 2:02 PM #8741
Hello! I’ve decided that today is the day I choose to begin to live on the OTHER SIDE OF FEAR! I hope my sharing will encourage you to do the same.
As a normal routine, I’d go for my physicals/doctor check-ups…expecting nothing shocking; you know “a clean bill of health.” Well, a little over 18yrs ago my life changed. After getting all my blood work back my doctor called me back to the office to discuss my results. Me, not expecting anything bad…I went during my lunch break. I’ve taken the HIV/AIDS test many times as a normal part of my physical…but this time it came back POSITIVE. I was floored. I was numb. I was still. I was POSITIVE. But how? I was celibate. I had just accepted the salvation of Christ a year ago. I was focused on spiritual change. I was at peace. How could this be happening at this time? I think at the moment I received that information a heavy burden of FEAR rested on me like never before. Whenever we receive unexpected information that has a devastating impact on your life, we start thinking…what about my child, my family, my LIFE! Yup, all of this ran through my mind constantly. But something else happen to me that I will never forget on the same day(i think) or not to long after getting the diagnosis…A strong presence of PEACE came over my body. I felt like I could handle this…whatever/however it turns out, I can handle it. After telling my immediately family and sharing tears with them…I was ready to live with this CUP given to me to bear…but I knew I would live in peace. In the 18+ years of being diagnosed with HIV…I’ve never taken any drugs/medications. I’ve always tested as undetected and very low viral loads. Now, I don’t recommend anyone not take drugs prescribed by your physician but for me…I decided to not take any drugs unless it was needed. Overtime, my life went as usual but I knew that I now have a testimony, a story that could help so many others get through the darkest times of life
Although my spirit is filled with a strong presence of peace, I went through some dark moments. I will share how I got through, depression, loneliness, low self-esteem, self-guilt, suicidal thoughts and more. I want to share my story to let people who suffer in silence with issues that are shunned upon by society. Whatever it may be…non-curable STDs, rape, addictions, self-inflicted pain/hate, whatever. You/we are not alone and there is no need to continue to live in FEAR anymore.
Everything that has happened in our lives was not a mistake. However, we have to choose whether it will destroy us or build us. Whether it will make us bitter and angry or grateful and at peace.
- This topic was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by Neeraj (Ecoder).
October 27, 2015 at 2:47 PM #8749
My Goodness.. first of all.. I commend you on the courage to share your story. it is a testament of the power of CHOICE.. your the ability to chose PEACE was beyond amazing.. you possess something that the richest person can not buy… how do you recommend one obtain such a warrior spirit?
October 27, 2015 at 5:41 PM #8752
Thank you @sunshine. I’m thankful that PEACE chose me. I believe that everything is already predestined, this means to me my diagnosis was not a mistake and neither was the peace given to me PRIOR to the diagnosis. It was like God prepared my spirit to LIVE. I can remember after getting my diagnosis my attention was drawn to people with visible disabilities. I would always go into deep thought of how much strength they have to be determine to LIVE despite of their abnormalities. Can you imagine having to deal with stares and snickering because of how you look…now that’s strength!
I’ve said this to say, I knew way before my diagnosis that I’m not here to live a picture perfect fantasy. I’m here for a reason, a divine purpose. If my purpose includes HIV…Then it shall be. It’s like I’ve accepted my assignment instead of fighting it and that alone…is peace.
@sunshine accepting your assignment in life brings about peace and openness to receive strength from others. Thank you for walking on the other side of fear with me today
October 27, 2015 at 4:41 PM #8751
October 27, 2015 at 7:20 PM #8755
I want to first send you the strongest grandma HUGGGGGGG. I understand how it feels to lay in depression. I remember waking up one morning angry that I woke up but too scared to commit suicide feeling like I would go to hell for murdering myself.
But I’m thankful to know today I matter and the lies I told myself about my diagnosis were just that…LIES! You see, as long as I continued to go down my “Now you will never have or do” list the more depressed I became. One day (and still to this day) I asked myself…WHO SAID YOU CAN’T STILL HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT ON YOUR LIST? Then I waited for the answer…I told myself I couldn’t have them.
Can I promise you something (this is just for you)…you have a BIG purpose in this life. When I stop looking at achieving a life that was not designed for me and started accepting the life that was assigned for me…it really started to remove depression. Whatever it is that you’re going through right now, know that you are not alone. There’s nothing new under the sun…nothing. I encourage you to join me in using this platform to share your silent suffering and allow people to love on you.
Start small…when I was first diagnosed I use to have extremely long pity parties…my eyes would look like I’d been fighting Mike Tyson from crying so long. Then someone told me to use a cooking timer. Start at 20 minutes of pity time but I had to gradually take it down to 5 minutes of pity time. BUT here’s the catch…for every 20,15,10 minutes of pity I had to spend the same amount of time speaking positive affirmations or promises of GOD to myself. This is something I encourage you to start doing. You’re here for a BIG purpose but it’s up to you to start believing it!
Thank you for walking on the other side of fear with me today
October 27, 2015 at 7:09 PM #8753
Fredrick D. Williams MbaParticipant@fredrick.d.williams
Thanks for sharing. The lived with the fear of contracting HIV for years. The thought can be crippling. Your story is courageous and beautiful. I have friends living with the virus that helped to calm my fear and see a personal side to the issue. My friends love sharing their healthcare routines and the latest news on the virus. It’s nothing like I ever imagine. Thanks again for sharing. This post is sure to help others. I no longer live with the fear and embrace friends that live the virus.
October 28, 2015 at 9:12 AM #8764
Wow fearnomore. You need to stay on this site and keep feeding me positive energy. Its a shame that people don’t like to talk about these things because these are the issues that help us be who we are. I love that you said that. Have a pity party but then speak positivity into your life. Its hard when you think you lost your job, your man and your friends but I have to think positive I didn’t have to be here. I wanted to take my life plenty of times and I’m glad I didn’t. Thanks so much. Keep feeding me positivity whenever you can. I need it thanks have an amazing day